76/365 The Waiting Game

My throat is a little dry, and my heart feels foreign in my chest. I can’t tell if the abnormal beating is a result of my coffee fix, or because of the notification sound of my email. My phone is sitting a few feet away from me on my desk, and my email account is just a few clicks away on the computer. I’ve been waiting for over a week to hear about an internship position I interviewed for, and today is the day. The date that the editor told me when she would have news, and so since waking up at 8:00 AM I have been playing the waiting game. A game that isn’t at all fun, and while there is a possibility that I might end up a winner, there is also just as good of a chance of being a loser.

Every time I’ve opened my email today I’ve held my breath and then let it out in disappointment when it’s just spam. But now that my phone has buzzed I’m procrastinating on hearing the news by writing this post. And as I finished that last sentence the email notification sounded again, leaving me paralyzed for a second. To become the master of the waiting game you have to be prepared for all outcomes, at all times. You have to be mentally prepared to hear bad news in order to protect yourself from further disappointment. Because when you are too optimistic or hopeful you run the risk of creating realities that will not exist. I warned you this game is no fun, and it may be even less fun to talk about it.

I’ve become so accustomed to losing the waiting game that the desire for a win makes me want to forget my original rule. The rule that states: You should never have high expectations. Bleh reading that back makes me so aware of how depressing that sounds. But you have to understand what the last few months on the field have been like. I’ve lost count of how many applications I’ve sent out, and this little game seems to have turned more into a marathon.

The other night at dinner my mom said that she has been praying that I will get the right job instead of just any job to which I immediately shrieked, “NO! ANY JOB WILL DO!” My email has an answer either way, whether I like it or not. Even if I win this round it will only last for a few months. It’s not a permanent position, I’ll be there for a few months tops and then I’ll be back here again contemplating what move to take next. During the interview the editor seemed to be enthusiastic about my resume and previous work but was that just an easy let down? I’ve gone through the short encounter piece by piece hoping to find a clue of what the email will confirm.

The longer I type the more I realize that I should probably just get it over with and accept my fate. Also, because if it’s good news I want to reply back as soon as possible. Not soon enough to show that I have no life (which I don’t) but soon enough to prove that I’m a reliable person who checks their email regularly. I guess this is it then. Time to finish up the game. God, I’m nervous.

Day Seventy-Six 

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